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Monday, February 7, 2011

First Line

My actual first line is as follows:

"My mother told me never to start a new endeavor on the full moon, but as was my nature then I didn't bother to pay attention."

11 comments:

  1. The first part of this is really strong, but the second have is jumbled to me. I would take out the as was my nature then and change up the words. Maybe say something like

    Mu mother told me never to start a new endeavor on the full moon, but as usual I didn't bother to pay attention.

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  2. Agreeing with the first comment; starts out strong but the second half doesn't maintain momentum. My suggestion:

    "Mother always told me never to start a new endeavor on a full moon and, as usual, I paid her advice no attention."

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  3. I have to agree with Jen and Kelly. I love the first part.

    "Mother always told me never to start a new endeavor on a full moon, but my nature never heeded her warnings.

    I hope this helps... good luck.

    Michael

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  4. You've got good suggestions, bit I actually like yours as it is too.

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  5. I'm curious about the character's mother and whether she's all-round quirky :)

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  6. I liked this line quite a bit. I can see what the other commenters are saying,b ut if this is your characters voice I wouldn't suggest changing it around.

    If you do leave it as is, I think you could lose the word 'then':

    "...but as was my nature I didn't bother to pay attention."

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  7. I agree with Loralie, but I would also cut "bother to."

    My mother told me never to start a new endeavor on the full moon, but as was my nature, I didn't pay attention

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  8. I like it just as it is. But would insert a comma after 'then'.

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  9. Very interesting opener. I like it, but also agree with the others that you could spice up the second half a bit.

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  10. If you want to leave it, that's totally fine, but I'd put a comma after then. =D Just read above, so I'm agreeing with Anne. LOL. Then the sentence flows very nicely.

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