The first part of this is really strong, but the second have is jumbled to me. I would take out the as was my nature then and change up the words. Maybe say something like
Mu mother told me never to start a new endeavor on the full moon, but as usual I didn't bother to pay attention.
I liked this line quite a bit. I can see what the other commenters are saying,b ut if this is your characters voice I wouldn't suggest changing it around.
If you do leave it as is, I think you could lose the word 'then':
"...but as was my nature I didn't bother to pay attention."
If you want to leave it, that's totally fine, but I'd put a comma after then. =D Just read above, so I'm agreeing with Anne. LOL. Then the sentence flows very nicely.
The first part of this is really strong, but the second have is jumbled to me. I would take out the as was my nature then and change up the words. Maybe say something like
ReplyDeleteMu mother told me never to start a new endeavor on the full moon, but as usual I didn't bother to pay attention.
Agreeing with the first comment; starts out strong but the second half doesn't maintain momentum. My suggestion:
ReplyDelete"Mother always told me never to start a new endeavor on a full moon and, as usual, I paid her advice no attention."
I have to agree with Jen and Kelly. I love the first part.
ReplyDelete"Mother always told me never to start a new endeavor on a full moon, but my nature never heeded her warnings.
I hope this helps... good luck.
Michael
You've got good suggestions, bit I actually like yours as it is too.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious about the character's mother and whether she's all-round quirky :)
ReplyDeleteI love this first line!
ReplyDeleteI liked this line quite a bit. I can see what the other commenters are saying,b ut if this is your characters voice I wouldn't suggest changing it around.
ReplyDeleteIf you do leave it as is, I think you could lose the word 'then':
"...but as was my nature I didn't bother to pay attention."
I agree with Loralie, but I would also cut "bother to."
ReplyDeleteMy mother told me never to start a new endeavor on the full moon, but as was my nature, I didn't pay attention
I like it just as it is. But would insert a comma after 'then'.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting opener. I like it, but also agree with the others that you could spice up the second half a bit.
ReplyDeleteIf you want to leave it, that's totally fine, but I'd put a comma after then. =D Just read above, so I'm agreeing with Anne. LOL. Then the sentence flows very nicely.
ReplyDelete